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.I'm getting thinner as the days go on and my clothes are getting big, but I can't eat.I'm doing good to get down one bowl of soup a day and that's only for the baby's sake.We pull up at the cemetery and walk over to the headstone beside Beau's that is now waiting with his name etched on it.An open casket service wasn't necessary since there is no body.I come to stand in front of the headstone and read the letters etched into the stone.Breyson Patrick AbercrombieOctober 2, 1995-February 3,2014Forever remembered by the ones you loveThe preacher starts his speech; one that he has said a million times I'm sure.It seems too practiced and frankly, not good enough.I just stare at the headstone in front of me picturing my beautiful boy.I close my eyes and allow myself to go to my happy place while the words and sadness flow around me.Come back to me, Breyson.Let me feel you.If not in body then in spirit.I need you to keep me going.I don't have the strength to do it myself.The salty tears run down my face, underneath my shades.I'm here baby.I'm trying to get to you.Please don't give up on me.I need you to remember our love.I need you to keep going.Wait for me.My eyes shoot open and I feel like I'm going to pass out.I must be having a mental breakdown, because I swear on everything I feel like there is someone near me and I have never been one of those people that believe in ghosts.I'm a realist, but I promise on my life I heard Breyson's beautiful voice in my head.The mind is a cruel thing.It has the ability to play tricks on us and make us hear and see things that aren't there.My subconscious wants him to be here so my mind has got to be trying to ease the pain that consumes me by giving me a little bit of false hope.As crazy as it is, I can't help but to imagine maybe it were some kind of sign.What if it is? Could it be? I've heard crazy stories before about two souls that were meant to be, having the ability to call out to one another when they're apart; kind of like twins separated at birth, but can feel each others pain and emotions subconsciously.What if it's real and I give up on him? What if me believing he's still alive actually keeps him alive? Can I dig deep down inside and find the will to still hope that it could actually happen? It's a long stretch and may make me crazier than I already am.The question I have to ask myself, is would I rather live with the false hope that he could actually survive trying to get back to me, or let him go just to avoid feeling crazy and go on living emotionally slaughtered?In one sense, I have to believe that the supernatural is possible to believe in God.When you choose to believe in a higher power, you accept that the things seeming humanly impossible can actually happen if God wills them to.Can his love for me bring him home? Can our baby bring him home? Can Beau bring him home? I know God himself can, but will he? Like an answer to my question, part of a bible verse comes to me, in paraphrase of course.To have faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains.I stand here with the war of questions going on in my mind as the memorial service comes and goes.Everyone begins walking back to their cars, but I continue to stand here, staring straight ahead."You ready to go, Sweetie," mom says."I'll be there in a few minutes, okay?" She nods and leaves me to myself.I push my shades up on top of my head as the cars leave the cemetery behind.Most of those people will never set foot on this place again until they have to be here for the sole purpose of paying their respects; however, for people like me and Macie this becomes like a second home.I remove the plastic protected piece of paper from the pocket of my white denim jacket and walk closer to the headstone.White is not a standard color to be worn at a funeral, but I had to wear it since my black cotton dress is strapless and it's the middle of February.Kneeling on my knees, I open the small Ziploc bag and remove one of the sonogram photos I was given when I found out I was pregnant.I look down at it, remembering that last day with him."Hey, Brey.I didn't want to tell you this way, but you've left me no other option." Uncontrollable tears spill from my eyes as I try to gather my thoughts."I'm pregnant.I wanted to wait until you got back to tell you, so you could enjoy your trip, but I guess you never got there.I'm sorry.I didn't mean to get pregnant.I was going to take full responsibility and give up cheerleading so you could keep your football dream, but I guess that's no longer an option.You would've been a great football player and an even better dad.I know you would've stood by me and that's why I was going to give it all up.I won't leave you here by yourself.I'll come back every day and visit.I hope you know how much I love you." Sliding the ultrasound photo back into the plastic bag, I seal it shut.I begin digging my nails in the grass that grows in front of the headstone, making a hole.I can't see in front of me, because my eyes are blurred from not wiping my eyes.I don't see the point, because they continue to fall.I don't even know where the tears are coming from anymore."I want you to have this picture, Brey.It's our baby." I place the clear plastic bag containing the photo inside the hole before covering it back up."Why'd you break your promise, Brey? I was counting on you to keep it.You were right about one thing; you've ruined me.I love you more than I love myself, more than anything in this world.I don't know why, but I'll try to wait for you.Please don't make me wait long [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]